Signs of Life

I’m crying.  I have lots of tears these days.  I thank God for my tears because they are a sign that I’m still alive.  Everyday I wake up and I find something to be grateful for no matter how small, odd sounding or mundane someone else may think it to be; I’m determined to be grateful in my grief.

I miss my husband.  I don’t a vocabulary sophisticated enough to amply describe what his loss means to me.  Just typing that sentence made my chest burn and my heart race, another sign of life, Thank God.

I DO want to go on without him.  I’m not sure how I’m going to go on without him; but each moment I trust that God will give me what I need to get through.  Some minutes are incredibly hard and I can’t think to the next.  I have bad days and worse days, but in each day I am blessed.  I say this, I believe this, I live this.

Yes, I live this.  BLESSED.

For the past 3 years my husband has been in a middle of a custody battle with his daughters mother.  A few months ago, we quit.  No more shady lawyers, inept private investigators, biased GAL’s, and depleting bank accounts.  We agreed to a very modified visitation agreement and I feel we got what we really wanted leverage against mom’s moods, whims, poor judgment …..

As school let out and summer approached hubs and her ( my step-daughter’s mother) worked out an agreement that allowed him to maximize his free time with his daughter.  We shared the absolute best father’s day ever.  Never thought it would have been his last, never imagined he would be gone from us 4 days later.  My God, My God!  But I also never imagined that God would love me, us enough to allow those last 5 minutes of family time, praying, kissing and trading “I love you’s”  —  I had no idea we were in what would be the final moments of his life; thank God I didn’t because I would have been too panicked and wouldn’t have been able to love on him.  I was just trying to make him comfortable while we waited for help to arrive.

My step-daughter was there….my husband died surrounded by his two most favorite people in the world.   All I can do is say “Thank you God for allowing all 3 of us those precious moments”

It’s been about 3 weeks now.  Of course I’m still sad.  Heart broken doesn’t begin to describe  how I feel.  I normally do all of my crying in the shower but I’ve been afraid to go in our bedroom, so I cry in the wee hours of the morning in my car, then I shower at the neighbors.  But she got her key back and I’m out of hotel money so I was forced to come back home alone.

I opened all the curtains, cut on all the lights and I prayed, prayed and prayed.  I called out to God for help. I spoke the word of God over myself.  “Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted”  Matthew 5:4.  I processed this to mean that I had to allow myself to grieve if I want to feel the comfort of God.  I can’t run from the uncomfortable feelings that I have.  I can’t avoid the memories or the awkward and lonely situations that I find myself in.  My heart skips beats often, my stomach aches, but I pray.  I asked God for help and he sent it.

Of course my friends, family and in-laws were available.  But God sent me a fire filled praying woman of God (my neighbor whom I never met before)  she saw me locked out of my friend’s house and stopped and just prayed with me.  Then she came in my home and we spoke the word of God together and prayed throughout my house and I immediately begin to feel the presence of God in the middle of my new mess.

I say new mess, because life is full of challenges, disappointments, and death.  New mess, new mercy!

A few days after burying Victor I wanted to begin to get rid of some of his clothes.  So soon…YES.  I lost my daddy four years ago this August, he was a collector of things…jazz, coins, antiques…I inherited his collections, they fill my small home…I can not become the keeper of dead men’s things.  My husband was so much a part of me, I don’t need every single thing that he owned in life to feel close to him.  We’ve been together for twenty years; he is very much a part of me.

The day I took all of my husband’s pants out of his closet I had asked my best friend to help me, she agreed but never showed up, I then asked another close friend; who also agreed and did the same thing.  I was disappointed, but felt like God wanted me to do it alone, just Him and I.  I did it alone, eight trips up and down the stairs holding arms full of folded jeans loading them into his truck.  I never thought I would be able to do that.  God showed me something in myself, that I didn’t know existed.

I’m still grieving, I’m still growing, God is still with me and my life is full of His grace.


Craigslist Revenge

I’m home sick today.  Head cold, I could manage but my throat is so sore.  I have the biggest speaking engagement of my career on Thursday so resting my vocal chords trying lots of home remedies to cure myself.

Part of my daily routine is to go on and search the local listing for free stuff. Cheap fun.  Today I had a extra time so I browsed other categories, and came accross this in news.

The Accused Name Appeared Here    ADULTERER (MOYOCK, NC)

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Complete Physical Address was listed here.  ( I don’t want to contribute to this mess so I’ve deleted it in the interest of privacy)

DO NOT TRUST THIS MAN ALONE WITH YOUR WIFE. He had an adulterous affair with his friend who was my wife. This was his FRIEND She had just come out of a breast cancer operation and was still undergoing therapy She was drinking heavily at the time She had soooo much on her mind she was so easily lead, vulnerable, naive and so easy for him to get her into his bed by taking advantage of her need for acceptance after her mastectomy THIS P I G KNEW SHE WAS MARRIED. HAVING REPAIRABLE MARITAL PROBLEMS, HAD A FAMILY and INSTEAD OF TREATING HER LIKE A TRUE FRIEND HE HAD SEX WITH HER in every way imaginable. HE USED HER and ABUSED HER TRUST IN HIM AS A FRIEND. Ruined her marriage, family and destroyed her. HE IS IN HIS LATE 50’s, short, pudgy, long dark hair, stupid looking, egomaniac, has never been married and is a failure with single women HE CAN NOT BE TRUSTED WITH A MARRIED WOMAN. DO NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE WITH YOUR WIFE HE DESTROYED MINE. She will never be the same. She is sad every day. Feels foolish,embarrassed and DIRTY EVERY DAY FOR LETTING The accused full name of MOYOCK USE HER at his COMPLETE ADDRESS home.
I get it this spouse is mad and hurt.  His wife cheated on him and he’s venting.  Listing the man’s name and address is a bit over the top and dangerous in my opinion.  He rationalizes his wife’s infidelity on her illness.  It’s possible.  He never mentions his reaction to his wife’s double masectomy.  He completely blames the “other man”. 
I also find it interesting how he describes his wife’s or what may be soon to be his ex-wife’s demeanor.  “She is sad every day. Feels foolish,embarrassed and DIRTY EVERY DAY”  He emphasizes dirty.  I wonder how dirty he (spouse) made her feel.  It’s natural when you are hurt and betrayed to want the one’s that hurt you to feel the same emotions.  We’re all human.  But..(long sigh) what is this solving? 
Cheating is wrong.  Adultry is wrong.  There are better ways to deal with bad situations.  Often our reactions to bad situations will determine whether we come out victorious or not. 
I’ve been cheated on and lied to.  It hurts.  It cuts deep.  Have you ever watched “Snapped” ?  Snapped is OXYGEN’S  hit true crime series,  it profiles the cases of women accused of murder. Revenge is often the motive.  Who want’s to wind up on a true crime series?  Who wants to spend their life in jail?  Who wants to destroy their family in such a way.  We need better coping skills men & women. 
I’ve been with my husband for 20 years; we’ve been married for 7.  The last time he cheated on me he got a girl pregnant.  Oh the rage I felt.  Oh what a blow to my ego.  I thought all sorts of ungodly things.  I remembered how my sister acted when her husband cheated, she went batty.  She embarrassed herself, the family, marked her children for life and it didn’t change anything.  I didn’t want to be that person. 
I wanted to be like Hillary Clinton & Princess Diana.  Deal with it in my home, on my terms and move on.  So I ran to God.  Best decision I ever made. 
**side note I have an absolutely wonderful relationship with my step-daughter**
I’m praying for this couple.  We have to forgive those that wrong us whether we choose to stay or go. 
Revenge is glorified in the media, but it’s nothing heroic about doing prison time for murder.  This is what the Bible says about revenge. Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.God will take care of justice. It may not be when we want it. It may not be how we want it. But He will make sure that justice is done.

This policy is not a lack of justice. It is a call not to take personal revenge in order to get justice. Leave justice and revenge to God.

When you’re enduring a crisis it’s hard to see past your pain.  But I am a living witness if you trust God and make up your mind to move on you can.